Unsettled

Yesterday, I worked until 9pm. I was lucky in that I did not have to start until 10am (but it was only dumb luck that I did not have to come in at the usual time of 8am).

We worked from 3pm to 9pm on Parents' Evening and there was no time for meal breaks.

So, I went to a fast food place afterwards and could have kissed the guy there because he had chicken. Imagine that. Not kebab. Not burger. Not hot dog. Not bolognaise pizza. Chicken.

Obviously, it was hard to get to sleep and once I was asleep, my dreams were unsettled.

Not doing well with this "winter" thing, it's not the clouds this time but how disorienting it is to have the sun come up at 7am and go down a little after 4pm. It is like jetlag for an entire season.

My dreams were very vivid and upsetting. Lots of crying and running and sighing and shouting.

"I AM NOT UPSET. THIS IS ANGER!" I shouted at someone and made a gesture over my face. Why? Because I was bored and frustrated in a meeting.

I cannot crack the symbolism, I will need a dream dictionary.

Then my day was great. I had three lessons, lab day, I always get a bounce from lab day. We had a Sports Drink Experiment first, a Radioactivity Experiment second and a "Chemical reaction vs Physical change" experiment third.
All three lessons went really well and I got displays up (and took some four year old ones down, if not you WHO, if not now WHEN, sort of thing)

Then I had a nanowrimo writing party and that was great. Those kids rock my socks. They are going to reach their goals (I, however, am not) and are working so hard. We have so much fun together. I will miss it when it is gone.

Made Turkish-ish food. Though I managed to make my falafel taste like soap, the vegetables and bread were nice.

There are huge political things happening right now and I am aware of them and thinking about them a lot but just for this week I am going to take the easy way out and not process my thoughts into a blog. I am just too tired. Not going to dress it up as faith in democracy or a need to keep things light for my readers but simply that I am *tired* from my day job and my volunteering and my bad back and my socialising.

Singing Sunday

Rock Music

This year, I have attended.. dozens?? of live musical performances. From little gigs above pubs to massive stadium gigs in France. From Roskilde to Drammen. This is unusual even for me and pretty amazing when you consider I no longer live in a capital city but in a little provincial Jutland town. I guess you make the time when you want to make something happen.

There are a few things that I would like to change about gigs and live concert experiences, if I were rock king for the day.

1) No more booking fees. Make the tickets more expensive, stop adding on the little extras. They annoy me.
2) No more camera phones in the mosh pit. People. People. People. Yes, I love to watch it on Youtube too but it means you do not want to dance and your arm is in the way and you are not in the moment and because you are not in the moment neither am I while I pity you for not being in the moment.
Hey bands, could you make sure every performance was recorded by a roadie and uploaded? Thanks.
3) No more standing around and looking cool. GO AND DANCE OR GO TO THE BAR.
4) Backpacks. Oh my god, why have you brought a backpack to a gig? What is wrong with you?
5) Sitting down. Hey, fans, I know you are tired and sore but sitting down when I am trying to rock out is dangerous.
6) More screens for big concerts. I am only a little person and I cannot see over the tall heads. 

Volunteering

What a wonderful day it is today. The sun is in the sky and the clouds keep coming and going. There is a nice smell of pine in the air and people are walking around with smiles on their faces.

I went to the old folks' home today to help out. They got me to take a guy out and have a little køre-tur around the local area. It was pretty nice. Neither of us did much speaking. The lady warned me that it could not be too bumpy or he might get "aggressive", which was fair enough. I get aggressive too when I am bumping up and down with my bad back. However, it is not until you are steering a wheelchair that you discover what a state the pavements are in and all those obstacles that could have been eliminated with just a little care. I think I steered as "stille" and as "rollig" as possible and he seemed happy with my driving.

We both had a good time, in the lovely weather, speaking my pidgin Danish and we must have been out for well over an hour.

Going back tomorrow to help out in some coffee afternoon, some sort of music thing. It is really nice to be part of the community.

In my country, they are considering making immigrants learn the language, pass a history test and do community work if they want citizenship. Gordon Brown says that being British is about personal and civic responsibility (get a job and pay your tax, I think that translates as)

I think that learning the language of a country is important but I believe just as strongly that the host culture has a duty to help language learners by meeting them halfway when they can.

Most people who speak English in the world do so as a second language. Native English speakers, therefore, have an easier time negotiating accents and common mistakes. If you speak bad English to someone in the UK, you will find that they will try to understand you.

Once a man came up to me in the London underground and spoke Spanish, despite not having spoken a word of it since a holiday ten years before I shocked myself by replying "donde ...va??" and then he spoke to me in English and I helped him. Lucky for him I understand the Northern line. He needed to change at Camden, you see. I am an average sort of person. I am representative of my country as a whole.

The "Britishness" test is a load of bollocks and I don't care who knows it. It is total bollocks. It is stuff like "What year did Oliver Cromwell die?" and "What do Brits eat on Shrove Tuesday?" and "British people like tolerance and respect for women TRUE/FALSE"
What it does not ask is "Which channel is Eastenders on?" "If a plumber says 'Is that the kettle I can hear?' what are they asking for?" or "Christmas is starting earlier each year, it's not even Hallowe'en yet.. TRUE/FALSE"

It is what you get when you put British politicians and civil servants in a locked room and ask them to brainstorm what it means to be British.

As for community work. The last thing you want is people who do not care being compelled to do something "altruistic". Plus, a lot of people in my country who would like citizenship are having to work more than one job so they can send money home. They might like to volunteer but when will they find the time?

As climate change and pollution make places uninhabitable. As wars and foreign policies force people to flee. As the world turns and some get richer on the backs of the poor. It is inevitable that people will want to move to the safe countries where no one starves and you are not likely to be blown up shopping in a market. The pressure to leave the have-nots and join the haves is enormous. The rich countries know that they cannot take everyone in so they come up with schemes like saying they only want certain skills. New Zealand and Canada have been doing it for a long time, my country joins them soon. And when the Red Cross and the UN say that countries MUST take a fair share of people fleeing political violence and similar, then they come up with ways of keeping their countries exclusive.

Do not be fooled, these tests are not about Britishness or English-speaking or civic duty; but rather a way of making sure that the population of my country is capped to a manageable level.
I can appreciate that there is a tension between wanting new people (with their skills, cultures, cuisines and experiences) and finding the room. It seems a bit unfair to ask obscure questions as a sneaky way of keeping people out. If they made every school leaver pass these tests or GET THE FUDGE OUT; then we could see that the British people are serious about everyone knowing the population of Wales to the nearest million.

But. If only.... If only we could stop having wars over rights to natural resources. If only we could stop having an economy based on smashing things so we can charge for rebuilding. If only we could stop polluting the environment so that people were not victims of weather. If only we could stop our multinationals poisoning water tables. If only we paid everyone a fair wage for their labour and products. If only our aid payments were gifts (or at least interest free). If only we stopped making and selling arms to unstable countries. If only...

If we could be a more responsible neighbour and be considerate to the human rights and needs of others; then there would be less of a pressure to emigrate. Meanwhile, a country who is not spending money on landmines and rifles, cattle prods and pepper spray, can get on with educating their people to a high standard so that if they want, they would be welcome to migrate to another country as a professional.

What I am suggesting is "hard" and expensive so by all means take the cheap and easy option of protectionism and provincialism... but please draw the line at claiming it is the only sensible way forward.

Happy happy joy joy

So, here's the thing. We had sunlight today and it was AMAZING. I sat by my window and soaked it up. I feel completely different.

Nanowrimo has been a disaster in terms of word scores but a joyful discovery into the minds of my students, their enthusiasm, their creativity. It has also had the knock on benefit of getting me to sort my life out. I have reordered all my bookshelves, cleaned my under-sink, done my washing up, kept up with my laundry, done my eyebrows, sewn on buttons, sorted my makeup bag and bathroom box... in addition to the stuff I do not put off for times as such as these.

I feel more on top of things than I have done in a while. Tomorrow, I will be volunteering for the first time in this country. Should be interesting. Have volunteered in different capacities back home. I think time is far more valuable than money.

My body is still losing weight, no clue why. Have added a multivitamin tablet in the vain hope I can head off colds. Now fully vaccinated against the flus going around. Thinking about removing the contraceptive implant, it is all a bit redundant considering the other form of contraception I am using. Plus, the side effects, while fascinating only to me, are not so great.

Planning on going out tomorrow, on the tiles, with my Greek friend. I love her, have I mentioned that recently? We have so much fun when we go out and she looks like a princess.

I have a lot of boxsets and films and I think with the help of my friends, I can make it through the winter.

Meanwhile: Copenhagen Cast (a seriously great resource for learning Danish) has made an episode about how to deal with Danish Language Learner's Enemy #1 ~Awesome~

Projekt Boble

Learning Danish to the level I have was a bad idea.

My radio alarm clock keeps telling me what the Danish People's Party think of me (not much). My kitchen radio keeps saying "udlander" and "indvandrer" and how we are spoiling everything. With our Influenza A. And our crime. (You would think that if it were not for immigrants, there would be no crime... except the most common crime in my town is burglary and the burglars are half a dozen middle aged "ethnic Danes" if the ones they catch are representative)

Meanwhile, I read the news and I find out that an "anti" domestic violence group has made a  computer game where you can beat up your girlfriend for having fun during a night out. It is called 'hit the bitch dot dk' or something. The bit at the end (where it calls you an idiot) does not cancel out what is an arcade-isation of abuse.

Then I found out that my new town council hates young people and foreigners and my school and even though one guy got in with a quarter of the votes of several his fellow councillors, he gets a deciding vote for the election of the mayor.

Then I read a story about a man who threw an ex out of a third floor window and got six years.

"Anklager Line Steffensen havde på forhånd krævet den 40-årige idømt otte års fængsel efterfulgt af en permanent udvisning, men Retten på Frederiksberg mente, at mandens ukontrollerede anfald af jalousi var en formildende omstændighed."

(They had wanted to give him 33% more time in prison *and* deport him but his uncontrollable fits of jealousy were seen as a mitigating circumstance... he got less time because the fucker SAYS he cannot control his temper)

The only way I am going to get through this is by reading only French and English news. Say what you like about the US, the UK and France; I won't feel singled out for being an immigrant and a woman by reading their content.

Let the lack of interest in local affairs BEGIN.

Magical Thinking

Once I went to my doctor in London and complained of having a lot of colds (I have a ridiculous frequency of minor infections) and she ran down the list of things that I could try and when it was clear I had tried all of them she took a deep breath and said

"...Have you tried.... acupuncture?"

And I avoided the temptation to explain to her how double blind clinical tests cannot be performed on this therapy and therefore the benefit of such a practice has not been rigorously tested. Proud of me?

Later, I was talking to a colleague and I mentioned that

"since acupuncture works on horses, then it proves that the energy-pathway explanation is wrong... because horses would have different energy pathways, surely?"

"yes, you are right. the fact it works on horses proves that it works."

And you take a deep breath and remember that no one likes a smart arse.

My doctor today blotted her copybook twice. Once for talking about me to some other patients assuming that I cannot understand her because I chose to give the information that was most important to my treatment in a language we can both understand. (But let's face it, this shit is so common to be like a mosquito on a rhino hide)

The second time was for saying she was "not having the second swine flu vaccination.." and then "I felt really ... fluey... after this one"

Which meant I had to prevent myself from asking leading questions about why they are offering a second booster jab and bite my tongue from telling her that there are a lot of nasty bugs going around, all of which I have caught. Seriously.

I mean, I tolerate a bit of magical thinking from my friends but I want my doctor to have as rigorous or more rigorous scientific thinking as me. Is that too much to ask?

Sprogskole

What a joke. This post is "so August, darling" but I need to get it out in the open.

Let us be honest here. I LOVE LANGUAGES. I did French at school (as a default), then added German, did a two year course in five academic terms. Got an A (same as French). Did French at A level (got a C), did a university course in French (got a First or Two:one, if memory serves). Went to a language school in France to brush up (Intermediate B2). Learned Welsh informally and professionally (elementary). Learned a lot, most of it lost now. Learned Swahili and Japanese (both elementary) formally in evening school.

I LOVE LANGUAGES and I would know.

How then, has Danish managed to upset me so much?

Imagine. I was a newly baked immigrant, all fresh and ready. Wanting to get fluent as soon as so that I could order meals in restaurants, shoot the shit with colleagues, make friends outside of work and participate in culture.

I waited and waited for my bureaucratic hoops to go past and then I was permitted to join Danish class.

They taught me childcare Danish. The disappointment was delayed. There were about six weeks when I was unhappy but did not know why. Would not acknowledge it. Would claim I WAS HAPPY. But I was not. I was bitterly disappointed. My realisation came when I was doing my homework and I had to give my thoughts on my children's childcare plan. And the book said "If you do not have children, what about your own experiences?" and I wrote "it was over twenty years ago, I have NO idea."

The books we had to read were about rapes and murders. Imagine that. Now, let us not be too personal. But a lot of people, myself included, have been directly and indirectly involved in sexual violence (and not as perps, let me tell you) and it is not entertainment. It is not fun to do your homework and have to confront feelings around rape just to be able to complete a language assignment. It is not fun to be given the task in class to summarise a book and be very aware that the woman you are giving the précis to looks very uncomfortable for the exact same reasons you are uncomfortable.

The tasks got harder overnight. The teachers were barely competent, not to point too fine a point on it. The tasks were about "the community" and not at all about equipping me with the tools I needed to survive here. They assume I have a husband, I think. To guide me. Inlaws to ring the bank/immigration for me. They coached me in writing job application letters. And not for anything I was trained for. For entry level jobs. If only they had taught me teaching jargon. Can you imagine what a powerhouse I would be?
We are drilled on grammar for 90 minutes and then the teacher cannot understand why we will not talk for the last thirty. We are given "games" about Danish culture (what is the birthday of the Queen? Why do kids dress up as princesses on fastelaven). We are given tasks of prioritising possible childcare arrangements and justifying our decisions... before we are taught words like "therefore" or "someone" or "care".(and we are not permitted to disagree with the ONE TRUE TRUTH of "Put kids in day care as soon as your vagina heals sufficiently for paid work") We are told to argue against things like blood donation or volunteering but then attract disgusted looks from the teacher when we go out of the script of rubbish opposing views and deliver meaty rejoinders such as "well, volunteers tend to be mentally unstable women, don't they?" (And on both occasions, I had to say "I DO BOTH BLOOD DONATION AND VOLUNTEERING. YOU SET ME THE TASK OF ARGUING AGAINST. YOU DID. YOU")

From the beginning I have been coached for these arbitrary hoops. As a teacher, I have been repeatedly told that children learn worst if you teach to the test.

My Danish has improved but only because I buy so many magazines, listen to the radio, work with Danes, talk to children and so on. In fact, work did me a favour in having so many meetings this term, it showed me what I could do without school. (And as a European, I am fairly indifferent, they cannot deport me if I do not pass their stupid tests). Of course, I feel solidarity with my brothers and sisters who MUST pass this ridiculously hard and irrelevant test but this is something separate to my feelings of relief that I can learn on my own terms.

The children have started to say things like "you are good at Danish" and "that was much better than before" because I have been injecting world weariness to my accent. I have also decided to not give a shit if they can understand. If you give a shit, you put a question intonation at the end which transforms the word from understandable to incomprehensible. If you speak Danish loudly and as if you are both depressed and short of time, then Danes tend to understand. If you make a facial expression like "what are you special needs, then?" they tend to drop that they did not understand you. Also, I have been cultivating my Swedish/Norwegian accent. I can make the "r" sound from Norwegian (and do) and the hurdy-gurdy of the Swede (and do). (This is not to say that Swedes or Norwegians have any idea what I am saying, it is just to mask my English accent with something more prestigious)
Then there is the neurological fact that I have only been doing Danish on my terms so my brain sees it as an attractive language which is important to learn. If I force myself into badly taught and poorly politically steered lessons, then I am likely resent every Dane who ever speaks to me. And that is not healthy nor fair.

Anyway.

I have said it before and I will say it again.

I came here to learn how another education system worked, to see a place where feminism "has won"  and a place where "everyone is happy due to social policies".

Denmark does not owe me a damn thing and I do not have to submit myself to its outrageous jingoistic whims.

I have said it before and I will say it again.

I am learning this language because I LIKE languages and not because

"Al den viden, vi skal bruge for at kunne leve og fungere i et samfund, bliver overført gennem sproget. Så hvis du vil være en del af et samfund, må du kunne dets sprog. "

Fuck the samfund. Why can't I chitchat or get a haircut or eat out in a fancy restaurant yet?

Far be it from me...

To tell a country how to run its affairs. God knows my country cannot get a simple thing like representative democracy working properly: only a minority of people can bother their arses to vote in local elections and only a touch more for the general ones... Which hints at deep problems with the system itself...

But...

Whenever someone brings up how powerful little old DF (nationalists, for the people overseas, think Nick Griffin but powerfu), has got then the usual response is that only a minority of people actually vote for them.

It's around 10% of people in this round of elections who put their cross next to DF.

Which back home would mean that they got their deposit back but would have little to no input into the running of a town council or whatever. Even with Proportional Representation...

The problem is that the 90% of Danes who do not want to vote for DF are split between four major parties. Two of them are left-wing (but drifting rightward which seems to be the way of the world, these days) and two are right-wing (though one is called "Left" which does not help me in my language learning, ok?)

So, one fifth of voters like each of these parties equally. So, two fifths like broadly left wing sentiment and two fifths like broadly right wing sentiment.

Can you see where I am going with this?

Wouldn't it be great for this country of moderates and centrists if they just made one "socialist" party and one "conservative" party and then your 10 percenters would be left out in the cold barking about the immigrants?

I mean, when Bush got in that first time, before people started worrying about election fraud and hanging chads, electoral colleges and bloodless coups; people BLAMED Nader. Nader who was more left wing than the big left-wing chappy, he split the vote which made the right wing guy seem much more popular. That was only a three-way split, for heaven's sake.

Likewise, back home, when the right wing party and the left wing party do something shameful (which is often), the centrists get a lot more votes but also your fringe groups (the greens, the nationalists, the single issue parties), think it is Christmas.
Did the people WANT a Green councillor? No. Not really. It just happened that way.

Democracy means rule of the people, and I am sorry, but I do not think that a government or local council has a mandate if each of the representatives only got less than one fifth of the vote. Especially if the system is based on obtaining agreement and compromise. If each of them stuck to their guns and refused compromise, you would see more clearly what a disaster having a four-party system (plus the nuts) is but at least you would be getting what you voted for.

Got them coming and going

I am new here so I am going to talk about what I know.

In my country, we have had a long history of immigration. In the 1950s, the country saw a programme of immigration invited by the government at the time. People were asked to come and do jobs as there was a labour shortage. There were also people coming in from former colonies.

Then things got nasty, immigrants got blamed for social problems and jealousy was inflated to the point of fiction about what "they" were getting. There were marches and graffiti. Hate campaigns both on the up close and personal level and politically.

Things started to change, it was slow progress. Laws were made to enforce fairness and equality and people started questioning the things they said. My country is by no means perfect and there is a long way to go. But things have improved even in the three decades I have been alive.

Though it is not easy. Racists are still active, racist politicians get to force the centrist politicians rightwards, people are still bullied.
That is one side of the pressure on people from minority ethnic backgrounds.

Meanwhile, you have the opposite side of racism, the "you can't help it, you are oppressed!" camp. This is just as damaging. Imagine being a kid who is living in a bad area of a bad city, in a one room flat, gangs pressing in, police searching you... all that Michelle Pfeiffer stuff.

Now, imagine that your school, you social worker, all your allies TELL you that it is not your fault if you fail at school. That it is to be expected that you join a gang. That you cannot be blamed if you commit a crime.

It is racism. Damaging and corrosive.

Personal responsibility needs to be pushed at all children regardless of family background. I understand that it is tough to be a kid in some nasty area and that it can destroy lives. But to pretend that they cannot study their way out of that situation... to ignore the role that education plays in escaping their background. In downplaying the positive effect of local community or family, it denies the humanity of the people being patronised.

Which is why I shuddered when the Al Jazeera thing seemed to be excusing the "immigrants" (Danes, as far as I could tell from what language they were speaking), for joining gangs because they are disenfranchised and frustrated. What are the white Danes' excuses? Why are these excuses different? Why are the punishments different? Why are the white gangs supported as upholding "Danish" values?

We are not going to get anywhere with this until people are treated equally regardless of background.

Is it only Tuesday?

What a busy day I have had! WHAT A BUSY DAY!

Tuesday is lab day and so I had my lessons in the laboratory. The first lesson was boring because it was about radioactivity so I could not let them do any experiments. They will like next lesson, I teach half life with sweets.

A bonus, unexpected free period opened up and I did some cleaning in the lab. I ought to be the most popular teacher, the amount of cleaning and sorting I do. However, the reality is a little different. One of my colleagues deliberately blanked me and I am going to check with others if he does it to them. Perhaps he is hard of hearing, is the benefit of the doubt he is getting right now.

Then lunch and that was nice, have some nice people to talk to at lunch time now. I know you were worried.

My last lesson was chemistry and it was the funniest thing, it was their first go on the Bunsen burners and they wanted to check everything was just right and I felt like a Mommy Penguin, they kept calling my name and pulling my sleeve. I got less and less maternal as the lesson wore on and got a bit "tough love" towards the end. They cleaned up though, only one minor accident, no injuries. SUCCESS.

Then I almost ran to the old people's home but got lost and had to call and then when I got there it was like an old people's home of the future. What a building! I went and tried to get someone to tell me where to go but they looked at me like I was some sort of deviant and were like "Ben TA? HVEM ER Ben TA?"
The best thing about me now is that I am not afraid to match the shittiness people direct towards me. It is part of getting older, if you are a younger person you have it to look forward to. I can reflect sweetness and helpfulness too but if someone decides it is Bitch Time, I am on it. I am ALL OVER it. It is all in the eyebrows, by the way.

Bente called and I went up to the fourth floor. I had an interview, you guys, in Danish! An interview in Danish. I will be volunteering this Saturday, helping with coffee and that sort of thing. Should be fun.
When I arrived, she fixed me with an appraising look and I said "Undskyld..." and she said "Oh it is not so easy to find this place. Not easy at all. Quite alright." (in Danish obvs) In the interview she could not believe I was a teacher and I had to say it several times, in different ways.

Then I voted. Thought I was only allowed to vote in the local elections but got my say in the regionals as well. The man who handed me my voting slips, who I checked with that I was allowed the yellow one, looked proud and happy that I got an unexpected crack at democracy.
Well. The Danes *did* invent democracy, you would expect some amount of pride.*

Then I bought stuff from Foetex and have found a till-operator who is not a surly cow. I LOVE HER. She has a huge badge that says "NEW TO THE JOB" but she has been wearing that for several weeks. I get *eye contact* from her. Imagine that.

Put some laundry in and all that.

Lit some candles, about to settle down with something entertaining like a book or a dvd or both.


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*When Pia K said that other cultures were worse than Danish because Denmark *invented* democracy, my Greek friend hit the roof.